In two days I just screwed up my life entirely.
I really didn't mean to get so mad.
And shit, there's no freaking way that I don't want to talk to you.
We're changing.
We're always changing.
And yes, I believed that as we changed, we'd still be able to accommodate each other.
But then again, when you stayed so steadfast to believing that I'd stay that way forever, I realised that my belief would never come true.

When one is being sincere, apathy received is just heartbreaking.
I said what I said cause I truly cared about you.
And when you said you really didn't care, can you imagine how horrible I felt?

I admit I lost my temper.
I never wanted it to happen that way and it must've been scary.

I wanted to check up on how you were doing.
And then when you replied so curtly and sought the worst of yourself, I couldn't take it.
I continued pursuing the matter on purpose.
Do you think I would give up my sleep for fun?
Do you think I'd give up my sleep for someone unimportant?
As much as you try to numb yourself and drown out your shitty feelings, they'll still be there.
So since I was the one who tried to dig them up and help you, you flared up.
And damn right I'm still feeling angry about that.
Why the need to be sarcastic and cynical?
Even when you don't try to help yourself, and others do, you apparently don't appreciate whatever they try to do.

What hurts me the most is that you didn't bother to tell me until the day itself.

Your reasoning is just shit.
Talking lesser is never the solution for us.
I promised to be your confidante and I expected you to do the same for me as well.
If we talk less, tell me, what kind of shit confidants would we be?
Don't even start on keeping everything to yourself.
You yourself saw what happened when you couldn't take it and so did I.


Have you ever felt your heart being squeezed so tightly that you couldn't breathe?
Felt daggers stabbing at you again and again?
Tearing the wound larger each time?
And then you want to cry so hard, but being bound to a promise won't let you do that.

Why do you believe that you disturb me when you talk to me?
You believe that you're a bother and unimportant?
The "only" reason was because of that, huh?
Not because I'm important to you? Not because you want to tell me what happened?

And hell, don't even get me started on how I felt at that time.
You think you know how I felt?
If you can't even begin to understand how I feel about talking to you, then what authority do you have to proclaim that our feelings are alike?

The reason why you drowned in it was because you refused my life buoy.
At that time, do you think I could've gotten through it alone?
After explaining and all that, I felt so much better.
And you're no superhuman, you NEED someone to help you out of it.

Happy to see the stark difference?
Shamelessly hurting each other like that when we should be celebrating.
I don't know what you implied when you said that.
I would be depressed if I had to see that situation.
So maybe you never thought that I was that important to you.
And that's why you felt happy at the prospect of it.

I noticed you started speaking with 'I'.

This is why I never wanted to admit it.
Always knew it'd be a bad idea.


You're a bloody liar, you know that?
I told you to tell me anything that was bothering you.
And now you say that you've kept so many things to yourself that this one doesn't matter.
Yes, I'll take the blame for it if necessary.

As much as you didn't want it to end on a bad note, it did.

You claim to have woken up to reality, but no, you're still living in your dream world.
I woke up to see that we were already changing.
If it comes as such a shock to you, then I don't know what to do.
If me changing is the last straw, I don't know what we'll do.

Even if you became a totally different person after changing, I'd still want to know you.
But you couldn't even give a damn after I've changed, right?
You'd just say that I've changed and you can't stand it.
I wasn't referring to talking as the bad idea.
I WAS REFERRING TO HOW THESE TWO MONTHS HAVE BEEN.
HAVE YOU ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I'VE PUT ON THE LINE FOR THEM?

I'll let you do whatever you want from now on.
Since you don't need me as your friend and "I don't know you" after you've "reverted back".
You've hurt me very deeply.

I never expected you to be perfect.
I didn't mind you the way you were.
Even if you've never been perfect, I accepted you for that.


Tell me, was it stupid of me to actually think that you knew me?
From that conversation, I could see that you didn't really know how I was like.
Makes me wonder how much of me you really knew.
I am not easily influenced by that.
I only do it so that I can be with my friends.
And it was extremely sad when you weren't around all because you didn't like the way they treated you.
I don't exactly like what goes on a lot of the time, but because of you, because of my friends, I live with it.
Did you only pursue our friendship because you wanted me to teach you stuff?
To guide you along the way?
And then when I ran out of uses, you just decide that you can leave me alone.

Fate doesn't matter if you have your own route planned.
Resigning yourself to whatever fate has in store for you is the loser's way out.
Just like suicide.

I never felt bored talking to you.
Then again, I must've been boring.
You should've just told me. Instead of letting me think that you liked my company.

I am scared, not just of you. But of myself when I get out of hand and emotions overrun rationality.
That's when I'm most likely to hurt people, and when I throw callous remarks.


I am disappointed in you and in myself.








This post is dedicated to only one person, and you know who you are, whether you bother to read this or not.

"Friendship is like the relation between hands and eyes. When the hand gets hurt, the eye cries, and when the eye cries the hand wipes its tears..."

I'm sorry I broke our promise.