This essay was redone on Niki's one. ;x
So it's not really my work, but hers.

The method of death might not be very realistic, but it's.. er, something that you'd think of on the spur-of-the-moment, which would probably fit Caleb's frame of mind when he said it.




Love


My life would end in less than twenty-four hours.

I looked over at the sleeping form next to me, my heart immediately swelling with pride and love. As I ran my fingers through his hair, he stirred slightly in his sleep, before falling back into the comforting grasp of slumber and still blissfully unaware of the pain that would return once he opened his beautiful brown eyes in the morning. It was another one of those nights again, where sleep simply evaded me, leaving me to ponder the unfairness of life. I would spend the whole time staring at Caleb, fighting to memorise every glorious inch of him, starting from his scarred yet breathtakingly beautiful face. The scars did not diminish the wondrous beauty of his face, but instead worked to accent it, giving him the air of a hero who had returned victorious from a battle. However, it was not only his face that led me to take such a huge liking to him that we ended up married, but also his amazing spirit and eagerness to live each moment to its best, despite knowing his end was drawing near. Even though its beats were numbered, his heart was filled with a sincere and deep love for all he knew.

I fought to smile through my tears, still gently stroking his face. From that fateful day four years ago when he had been diagnosed with leukemia, Caleb had shown a remarkable amount of courage that seemed to be enough to sustain both of us. Seeing him being put through so much pain made my heart break, but I managed to put on a brave front for Caleb, even though I knew he could see right through this facade.

Without warning, my face burned, and tears threatened to overflow. I saw myself sitting on the comfortable Victorian loveseat in the living room with Caleb. It had been after a particularly horrible session of chemotherapy, and our hands were clasped tight, as if to reassure each other of a better tomorrow, or in this case, simply of a tomorrow. We reminisced in silence, fully comprehending. We were two love-struck teenagers, fresh out of college. The joyride of getting to where we were now was exhausting and exhilarating. Nonetheless, I had loved every minute of it. “If only this hadn’t happened, we could’ve bought that house overlooking the park. And that would be where our children would play. We could have…” it was a slight blunder, and I immediately cursed myself for speaking those words. Neither of us needed to think of what could have been, because being bitter was not going to benefit us. What we required was to give each other all the love we could have in a lifetime. Caleb looked at me, his eyes large and guilty. Eyes that bore directly into my soul, cutting me apart with the silent, yet deafening screams, “I’m sorry I put you through all of this!”

My chest constricted at the sight and I lifted my free hand to his face, forcing him to meet my eyes. Suddenly, I could not seem to find the right words to say and immediately dropped my hand. I was dimly aware that our hands remained fiercely entwined as we sat in companionable silence. Then, Caleb’s body stiffened. Dread rushed over me, threatening to swallow me whole when I looked into his eyes. They no longer mirrored vulnerability and resignation, but instead sparkled with resolution. “I’ve made a decision,” his voice was unwavering. A questioning look washed over my face, uncertain what this decision would mean for me.

“I want you to kill me.”

At that, it felt as if all the air in the room had been sucked out. I was suffocating, being thrown around in a tumult of emotions, momentarily incapable of speech. “What?” a hoarse whisper was all I could summon.

“The doctors already said that I’ve only got a few weeks left anyway. I want to die peacefully, not in a meaningless hospital room. Would you…” Caleb begged. His voice betrayed no emotion, but his eyes gave him away. He really wanted this. So how could I deny him his last wish?

At the same time, I could not believe he wanted to make the few days we had left together even lesser. I stood up and headed out of the door for a walk to clear my mind. Caleb shot me a sad look as I left, beseeching me to support his decision. This sent my heart into throes of pain. Caleb was suffering, and it was understood that he desperately wanted this to be over already. It made sense, really, but did that make it correct for a woman to kill her own husband out of love? I fervently wished that this had not happened to us, to me. Yet I knew, all my wishes had stopped coming true the day Caleb was diagnosed. It was as if I had overused my wishes, and this was all retribution for my selfish behaviour. That was exactly what was stopping me as well - selfish reasoning. It simply boiled down to the fact that I was willing to let Caleb suffer for a few more days, just so I could be with him and watch his eyes twinkle when he laughed.

But was there anything to laugh about, when his condition was so critical?

It made me want to scream in frustration, but what escaped came in the form of huge, wheezing sobs, leaving my shoulders shuddering each time. Suddenly, my knees could not support my own body weight and I collapsed on the pavement, letting the pain finally take its toll.

After a few hours, warmth came to rest on my shoulder. When I looked up, I saw the man I loved, tears running down his own face. He sat down beside me and slung a comforting arm around me. It seemed that our world had stabilized once again, Caleb being my pillar, my source of courage and hope, like he had always been. Life without him was unimaginable. I had known this would happen, sooner or later. Having it pushed forward just frustrated me and made me miserable. Was there no justice in this world? We sat on the curb for hours till morning came, reminiscing the past with grins on our faces, but pain in our hearts.

We decided to do it the next week. Caleb wanted me to smother him with a pillow, not relenting even if he struggled. Upon having the options of pills or injections offered to him, Caleb could only reply weakly, “I doubt I have the courage to…” without meeting my eyes. I wondered what made him think that I did. The week that we spent together was definitely fulfilling. We did many things that we had only dreamed of. Yet the most perfect thing was that neither of us mentioned anything about Caleb’s illness, even when it slowed him down.

Still, all good things had to come to an end. As dawn broke, I could not help feeling that I was drowning in a pool of despair. We spent the day skirting around the topic, but alas night came too soon. And with it, night had brought the inevitable.

“We don’t have to do this today, we could wait for another day or two,” I pleaded, hoping that Caleb would, by some miracle, agree to postpone it. Still, in my mind, I already knew his answer.

“Don’t back out, please. I really need this!”

Meeting my eyes with his own, I felt his desperation and fear. This had become my fuel. This was what would drive me to kill this glorious being in front of me. We both stared at the pillow lying innocently on the bed. At that moment, I knew, without a doubt, that what was coming was for the best, even as my mind and heart rejected that mentality incessantly.

One last kiss and my new life would begin, bringing with it peace to the one I loved